Baby Krautter Take Two....is this real?

Days after miscarriage

After my miscarriage I struggled every day just to get out of bed. I knew miscarriage was common but I
guess I never knew how common or really even thought it would happen to me. My mom didn't struggle with pregnancy or miscarriage nor did Daniel's. I always had a fear that I would have a hard time getting pregnant or wouldn't be able to get pregnant. The thought of miscarriage never crossed my mind. I did not want to get back on my anxiety medications as I wanted to get pregnant again and didn't want to be on anything. I would literally do the bare minimum. Get up, go to work, come home and cry in bed. Every little thing would set me off crying. Daniel would try and cheer me up but every little thing I would cry. I know I was only 5.5-6 weeks along but I had envisioned the life we were going to have with this baby. It just hurt and still does honestly to have that ripped away.

My Joy

 Christmas was coming and I just could not get into the holiday spirit. It just didnt feel right. I was working at a PRN job which was more or less full time and I enjoyed it but I was between 3 different buildings at this point and I was just ready to go full time somewhere. I had been working nonstop since I moved to Huntsville and I knew God was telling me to just slow down. I offered to go full time status at the job but they did not need me full time until probably January. I kept my eye out for other opportunities and a full time home health job fell in my lap! I LOVE home health. It is probably my favorite setting to work in as a physical therapist assistant. I had interviewed with this company twice already in different cities but it just didn't work out as I didnt want to travel that far plus commute to patients homes for work. This position was in Huntsville so it was perfect. I had two interviews and ended up getting the job. My husband was slightly anxious about the interviews as I was an emotional mess. I guess I was able to mask it well and nailed the interviews. It was such a blessing to get this job and be able to have less work and WAY more flexibility. I was also grateful for something positive and something to keep my mind off everything.

Christmas came and honestly it was just depressing. Daniel worked and so it was just me and Ranger. We made the most of it but it just sucked to spend our first married Christmas apart but it is what it is and it is, part of being married to a doctor. I had not gotten my period back yet from my miscarriage but I had been tracking ovulation with OPKs. I knew I had ovulated so we had timed intercourse to try again. First let's back up a little bit, I went to MFM and was pretty much blown off. I had gone to get guidance for my thyroid during pregnancy. I had the appointment made prior to getting pregnant for preconception counseling but wasn't able to get in for several weeks. I did not go because I had had a miscarriage. The doctor told me miscarriages happen and my thyroid had nothing to do with it. I tried to explain that that was not why I was there but it was dismissed. She stated we did not need to wait to try again and I would just need my thyroid checked once a trimester. So armed with that, we decided to try again right away.

Christmas day I was 9-10 days pasted ovulation, DPO, so feeling depressed I decided to take a test knowing it would probably be negative or even too early to show a positive. I took a test and waited impatiently...it was a faint positive. I couldnt believe it. Was this real? This can't be real. I was excited and hopeful but also TERRIFIED! The next day I went and got some more tests. I got 3-5 different brands including a digital. I used all of them and they were all positive! I couldn't believe this was happening again this quick! I was so excited. The excitement quickly fated and the terror started. Instead of going to work and coming home to cry in bed. I would go to work and come home and sleep to check off another day until my first appointment. I was terrified EVERY SINGLE TIME I went to the bathroom. Every ache, pain, cramp, I was scared. I was scared I didn't have any symptoms yet. My last pregnancy I had a lot of breast tenderness this time I had none, was that bad? Why am I not nauseous? I analyzed every single feeling I had, every single bathroom trip was pure terror. My appointment was scheduled for January 31st. I just needed to make it till then.

Line Progression

 I began taking a pregnancy test each morning to see the line progression and make sure it was getting darker to show in my mind my HCG was rising. It helped to see it getting darker but in reality it meant nothing, I had some minor spotting early on and of course I was terrified but luckily it stopped pretty quickly. Around week 5 I began to experience nausea. I began taking unisom and b6 and it was working pretty well....for about a week. I believe the weekend of week 6 I did not leave my bed. I was so nauseous and I was vomitting. I felt awful but I was also happy I was having these symptoms because that meant the pregnancy was progressing right? I eventually was prescribed basically dramamine to help and as long as I took it around the clock I could get through work...barely. 

Weekends were spend in bed and any time I wasn't working was spend in bed. My diet was awful I was literally eating whatever I could get down. I ate a lot of carbs and a lot of chewy granola bars. My poor house was a disaster. I literally couldn't function much above going to work and coming home. The constant nausea helped ease my anxiety though which I was grateful for. 

The day of my appointment comes and I was the most nauseous I had been to this point. I remember getting home from work to pick up Daniel to go to our appointment and I open the car door and just throw up all over the front lawn. It is was rough. We get to the appointment and are going over a few things and then we go to the ultrasound room. I'm scared at this point as ultrasounds and I do not get along. From my thyroid diagnosis to this, ultrasounds are just not good for me and very triggering. We start with a abdominal ultrasound and she can't find a fetal pole so we move to a transvaginal ultrasound, it could still be early to see on abdominal. I felt like we did the ultrasound for hours but I knew it was not good. I can't believe this was happening again! How is this possible? 2% of people have back to back miscarriages. Why am I among the 2%.