Saline Infusion Sonohysterogram and Hysteroscopy

The thing about this fertility journey is every other day you learn a new acronym or procedure that is a part of this journey. Before going to my RE I had no idea a Saline Infusion Sonohysterogram or "SIS" was even a thing. I had heard of the hysterosalpingogram or "HSG" which my regular doctor had recommended but no idea a SIS was a thing.

What is it you ask...

It is just how it sounds. It is an transvaginal ultrasound with saline infused in through the cervix with a small catheter to detect abnormalities in the uterus. Normal transvaginal ultrasounds can detect some abnormalities but this gives a clearer picture and can detect smaller things such as fibroids, polyps, and scarring. 

This was one of the first things after bloodwork we had done after seeing my RE. Its done at a specific time in your cycle typically after your period but before ovulation, I can't remember the exact days. I was told to take some tylenol or advil before coming in as it can be uncomfortable. Being the hard headed tough person I am I didn't take any. 

I got to the office and was told to undress from the waist down and given a sheet to put over me. The NP did my procedure as my doctor was out that day. She cleansed the cervix with betadine I believe and then inserted the catheter. She then injected the saline and I was able to see on the tv infront of me the whole thing, which being in healthcare is cool to me! When she injected the saline it felt like a sudden bad period  cramp but it was not bad at all. I could tell their was something there on my uterus that wasn't suppose to be and I just felt defeated. ANOTHER hurdle to jump over. ANOTHER ultrasound that didn't bring good news! Every ultrasound is PTSD for me whether fertility related or thyroid related...its never good. The whole procedure didn't last maybe 5 minutes. The weird part is when you sit up all the saline rushes out of you into this like trash bag and it feels like you are peeing your pants haha. All in all wasn't a bad procedure at all. Pain was 1/10. 

Afterwards the NP came in and told me she did see something on the ultrasound but wasn't sure exactly what it was more then likely a polyp. Again defeated and angry at this point. We were ready to start trying again that month and due to ovulate soon. All of that would be put on hold. 

We had to wait for the RE to review  the results to know our next steps. Being the anxious person I am I send her a message in the portal to try and get some answers. She was super responsive and responded back quickly and at that point we knew I would need a hysteroscopy to remove whatever was in there. Through the grace of God my RE squeezed me in the following week! I couldn't thank her enough! I wanted this taken care of ASAP and didn't wait to have to delay trying again. She put me on Aygestin which is a birth control to control the lining of my uterus and to make sure I didn't start my period. Let me just tell you Aygestin is the DEVIL. That little pill made me sooooo hungry ALL THE TIME. Thank God I didn't have to be on it long! 

Thankfully Daniel was able to get off work for my procedure. He was on night shift that week so he ended up having to take 2 sick days. My hysteroscopy was done a UAB Highlands and we didn't have to be there super early which was nice. This isn't my first rodeo for a surgery so I knew the procedures. Get checked in, prep, IV, pregnancy test, vitals, and off to sleepy town you go. I may sound crazy but I love that feeling of anesthesia when they put you under hahah, best sleep ever...until I wake up usually nauseous. They had prescribed me a scopolamine patch to help with nausea as well. I don't remember much after the versed in my IV. The next thing I knew I was waking up in recovery, not nauseous, PRAISE JESUS! The procedure doesn't take long at all. I'm sure the majority of time I was under was positioning. I woke with what felt like a UTI soooo bad. The nurses said it was normal since the instruments were down there. When I finally saw Daniel the first thing I said was what did the doctor find lol. At that point he told me it was retained tissue from my prior losses. I was frustrated at that because I felt like I should have just had a d and c to begin with. I was frustrated my body didn't naturally miscarry or even fully miscarry with the cytotec! Gosh, come on body can you do something right please. I also had told Daniel when it was taking longer than expected to get a negative pregnancy test post miscarriage that I was worried about retained tissue and I thought I needed an ultrasound to make sure everything was gone. Apparently a regular transvaginal ultrasound may not have picked this up anyways. 

Recovery wasn't bad. The worst part was that night I had really bad pain with urination and the urge to urinate frequently. It felt like I was peeing razor blades. Daniel went out and got me the over the counter uti meds and that helped some. They also called me in an antibiotic which eventually took that away. The post anesthesia I felt very anxious and tired but I couldn't sleep well at all. I'm so grateful my doctor recommended taking off that Friday after and the weekend and going back to work Monday. I felt like a zombie. I guess with my age I don't bounce back from anesthesia as quickly. I ended up taking magnesium with melatonin and that helped a ton.

My virtual follow up was fine and confirmed that I had retained tissue and actually a small polyp as well. We were given the green light to try again this next cycle and start progesterone vaginal suppositories 2 days after peak. My next step is either pregnancy or if not pregnant by June 17th I have bloodwork to confirm my elevated cardiolipin. 

"You've got to wait till after 3 miscarriages before testing."

 After my second miscarriage I was determined to seek help and not wait for another miscarriage to happen. A lot of times in the medical community they tell you they do not do anything/begin testing until you have 3 consecutive miscarriages. Thats just crazy to me! I've got to go through 3 loses until they run a reoccurent loss panel...for which I am paying for? I wasn't okay with that. I asked my doctor to refer me to a fertility specialist. She stated she could run the reoccurent loss panel after the pregnancy hormones were out of my system and she would put a referral in but she didn't know if they would do anything since I've ONLY had two losses. My loses happened back to back with no cycle in between. We were 2 for 2. We tried 2 months and got pregnant immediately both times. Sure it could be a genetic abnormality with the embryo but I wasn't willing for that to be my only answer without further testing. 

I called around in Huntsville to the two fertility clinics but they did not accept our insurance so it would have been all out of pocket. I would have been fine paying out of pocket if I had to, we would have figured out a way to make it work but our insurance has infertility coverage so we just had to find where to go. Calling around and getting the run around we found out that UAB Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility was where we needed to be. I called our insurance and surprisingly we actually have pretty good  fertility coverage we just have to go to UAB which is about an hour and a half from our house. When I called to schedule my appointment I was asked if I preferred a male or female provider which I preferred female but if it was going to get me in sooner I would go with a male. My appointment was scheduled for March 22 which was about 6 weeks away. At the time I thought that was so long and it was going to delay me getting pregnant again, as I didn't want to get pregnant before we got the testing done. In reality it came at a PERFECT time, which was a God thing...teaching me patience and helping me to heal not only physically but mentally as well. I literally, FINALLY, got a negative pregnancy test the weekend before my appointment and started my first period post miscarriage and first one since October, due to back to back pregnancies. 

Daniel had gotten the day off and we were headed up to Birmingham hopeful for some answers. It's pretty intimidating walking into a fertility clinic, its definitely not a place anyone chooses to go to. I always had a fear I wouldn't be able to get pregnant but the fear of miscarriage never crossed my mind. I had filled out all the paperwork prior to coming and made sure I was as accurate as possible and Daniel of course adding his little comments haha part of being married to a doctor. Everyone was super nice at the clinic. I felt very comfortable and in good hands.

The doctor was great and very thorough. We went over my history and were able to ask as many questions as we wanted. I never felt rushed or "just a number". It was great! We went over the plan and were given the okay to track ovulation and try for a pregnancy again. We got all the labs ordered including:

Hemoglobin A1C - assess for diabetes 

PRL - checks prolactin levels in blood

TSH/T4 - thyroid labs

TPO Ab - thyroid antibodies

APLS - antiphospholipid syndrome (clotting issues)

Parental karotyping - checks for balanced translocations for both Daniel and I

Urine test for mycoplasma and ureaplasma (Due to Daniel requesting...no signs I had this)

We were warned that everything could come back normal. I wasn't hopefully something would come back abnormal but at the same time I was so we would have an answer for our loses. 

We also scheduled a SIS - Saline Infusion Sonohysterography, which is where they do a transvaginal ultrasound and inject saline to look at the uterus for structural abnormalities. This was scheduled for a week later as I was currently on my cycle and it needed to be done at a specific time in my cycle. 

Our plan was to have timed intercourse and start baby aspirin as well as use vaginal progesterone suppositories in luteal phase.

I felt confident in the plan and was eager to get some answers and try again. My doctor was awesome and as soon as my results came back she communicated in the portal with me the results. Can I just say I LOVE patient portals in the medical community. They are so great and I love having access to my medical records with the click of a button! Really helps with the anxiety and having a super responsive doctor is AMAZING! Definitely feel like we made the right choice, guided by God. God placed us in the right hands! As much as it sucks to travel to Birmingham for every visit, it is completely worth it! 

One thing that came back abnormal was the APLS. It was slightly elevated and the plan is to get tested again in 12 weeks from original test to confirm it and if I get pregnant before then to start lovenox injections and aspirin.

Another thing that came back abnormal was the ureaplasma and I was given an antibiotics for it. Doctor did not think this contributed to my loses at all but since they found it they treated it.  

Everything else came back normal, well besides my thyroid but we already knew that and were working on that. Even our parental karyotyping came back normal which took FOREVER to come back and I was a ball of anxiety the entire time. I was asking for prayers from all my friends and small groups every week. 

Throughout this whole process God is teaching me patience and to let go and let God. 

Luke 12:25-26 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

Cytotec (Misoprostal) Experience

      After we found out baby number 2 had no heartbeat I had my HCG blood drawn to see what my levels were at. The results came back within the normal range of where I was suppose to be according to gestation. That gave me a little hope, maybe it was too early to see a heart beat. I was scheduled for a second HCG blood draw 48 hours later. That result came back with a decline in HCG of 2000. At that point we knew it was a miscarriage but still held out a little hope for the confirmation ultrasound one week later. God is in the business of performing miracles and I was praying this would be one. I just remember that weekend was just excruciatingly long. I had an appointment for Monday at 3pm and it couldn't come soon enough. We went in for the ultrasound and it was confirmed no heartbeat. Of course we were completely devastated. How could this happen 2x in a row! 2% chance of back to back miscarriages. We now joined the 1 in 100 statistic of reoccurring losses.

 We were given 3 options at this point.

1. Wait for a natural miscarriage to happen 

2. Take Cytotec to induce a miscarriage 

3. Have a D&C 

Waiting for the miscarriage to happen naturally wasn't really an option in my book. My HCG was dropping so slowly and it would be a long time before I may actually miscarry. I also was extremely nauseous and just wanted to feel better. Also, I just started a new job and wanted to have at least some control of the timing. 

Cytotec was highly suggested by both my doctor and my husband. I was hesitiant on taking it as I would have to go through the physical pain of the miscarriage and two it may not even work. The good thing about cytotec is it happens quickly after you start taking it and it avoids instruments in the uterus that can cause scar tissue to build up. 

The third option was a D&C which I was leaning towards. Its quick and easy and you are put under for it. You know all the tissue is taken out. Also the tissue can be tested for abnormalties. The risk is scar tissue forming in the uterus which could cause issues with implantation of another pregnancy. 

In the end we ended up choosing the cytotec. I had Friday of that week off of work due to low census so I had planned to induce the miscarriage Thursday night after work. How it worked was I was given 8 pills/tablets. I was too insert 4 pills vaginally close to the cervix and lay down for 30 minutes to and hour. The pills are suppose to start working within 6 hours. I inserted the pills around 2-230pm and anxiously awaited the pain/cramping to start. I didn't have any. It was getting close to the 6 hour mark and I still hadn't had any cramping or bleeding. Finally right at 6 hours I had some very minimal spotting but at this point it was not progressing like it should. I was frustrated. Not only was my body failing me with this pregnancy but also with cytotec now. 

So 830pm came and I had to insert 4 more pills. I laid down and put on a TV show. It was around 10-11 and still nothing was happening. I was so frustrated, why wasn't my body reacting the way it should? I finally just took an Ativan and fell asleep. Around 1-2am I woke up and I could tell I was bleeding. I went to the bathroom and as soon as I sat down I began to pass a ton of clots. I was having some minor cramping but not awful. I went to lay back down in bed and within 5 minutes the cramping got worse and worse. I then just made a bed on the bathroom floor. I continued to pass a ton of clots and BIG ones. 

Around 3am I'm laying on floor crying because I was in pain physically and mentally. Thankfully my doctor prescribed me some tramadol and I took one of those. About 10 minutes later I passed the baby and the sac entirely in one big
piece. Which was painful! We were told if I passed the baby we could save it and get it tested. I yelled for Daniel and we were able to collect it and store it properly. 

 After I passed the baby the cramping went down significantly. It was more emotional pain now. I was finally able to get some rest now too. 

The next morning I took the baby in to the doctors office to get tested. Testing would take 2-3 weeks. Now the emotionally healing began. A friend said it best, "Let's face it, you'll never be the same." I couldn't agree more. 

Would I choose the cytotec again if I had a missed miscarriage again? I'm not sure. The pain wasn't awful and the fact that I was in a little bit of control and was able to see everything be passed kinda helped. But in reality what we would learn a month in a half later is the cytotec didn't work completely and I ended up with a D&C anyways. So unfortunately it may have delayed the healing procress. I would say if my reproductive endorcrinologist recommended cytotec I would probably do it again but I would want an ultrasound done after to ensure the tissue was all cleared out. All in all it wasn't an awful experience.

Baby Krautter Take Two....is this real?

Days after miscarriage

After my miscarriage I struggled every day just to get out of bed. I knew miscarriage was common but I
guess I never knew how common or really even thought it would happen to me. My mom didn't struggle with pregnancy or miscarriage nor did Daniel's. I always had a fear that I would have a hard time getting pregnant or wouldn't be able to get pregnant. The thought of miscarriage never crossed my mind. I did not want to get back on my anxiety medications as I wanted to get pregnant again and didn't want to be on anything. I would literally do the bare minimum. Get up, go to work, come home and cry in bed. Every little thing would set me off crying. Daniel would try and cheer me up but every little thing I would cry. I know I was only 5.5-6 weeks along but I had envisioned the life we were going to have with this baby. It just hurt and still does honestly to have that ripped away.

My Joy

 Christmas was coming and I just could not get into the holiday spirit. It just didnt feel right. I was working at a PRN job which was more or less full time and I enjoyed it but I was between 3 different buildings at this point and I was just ready to go full time somewhere. I had been working nonstop since I moved to Huntsville and I knew God was telling me to just slow down. I offered to go full time status at the job but they did not need me full time until probably January. I kept my eye out for other opportunities and a full time home health job fell in my lap! I LOVE home health. It is probably my favorite setting to work in as a physical therapist assistant. I had interviewed with this company twice already in different cities but it just didn't work out as I didnt want to travel that far plus commute to patients homes for work. This position was in Huntsville so it was perfect. I had two interviews and ended up getting the job. My husband was slightly anxious about the interviews as I was an emotional mess. I guess I was able to mask it well and nailed the interviews. It was such a blessing to get this job and be able to have less work and WAY more flexibility. I was also grateful for something positive and something to keep my mind off everything.

Christmas came and honestly it was just depressing. Daniel worked and so it was just me and Ranger. We made the most of it but it just sucked to spend our first married Christmas apart but it is what it is and it is, part of being married to a doctor. I had not gotten my period back yet from my miscarriage but I had been tracking ovulation with OPKs. I knew I had ovulated so we had timed intercourse to try again. First let's back up a little bit, I went to MFM and was pretty much blown off. I had gone to get guidance for my thyroid during pregnancy. I had the appointment made prior to getting pregnant for preconception counseling but wasn't able to get in for several weeks. I did not go because I had had a miscarriage. The doctor told me miscarriages happen and my thyroid had nothing to do with it. I tried to explain that that was not why I was there but it was dismissed. She stated we did not need to wait to try again and I would just need my thyroid checked once a trimester. So armed with that, we decided to try again right away.

Christmas day I was 9-10 days pasted ovulation, DPO, so feeling depressed I decided to take a test knowing it would probably be negative or even too early to show a positive. I took a test and waited impatiently...it was a faint positive. I couldnt believe it. Was this real? This can't be real. I was excited and hopeful but also TERRIFIED! The next day I went and got some more tests. I got 3-5 different brands including a digital. I used all of them and they were all positive! I couldn't believe this was happening again this quick! I was so excited. The excitement quickly fated and the terror started. Instead of going to work and coming home to cry in bed. I would go to work and come home and sleep to check off another day until my first appointment. I was terrified EVERY SINGLE TIME I went to the bathroom. Every ache, pain, cramp, I was scared. I was scared I didn't have any symptoms yet. My last pregnancy I had a lot of breast tenderness this time I had none, was that bad? Why am I not nauseous? I analyzed every single feeling I had, every single bathroom trip was pure terror. My appointment was scheduled for January 31st. I just needed to make it till then.

Line Progression

 I began taking a pregnancy test each morning to see the line progression and make sure it was getting darker to show in my mind my HCG was rising. It helped to see it getting darker but in reality it meant nothing, I had some minor spotting early on and of course I was terrified but luckily it stopped pretty quickly. Around week 5 I began to experience nausea. I began taking unisom and b6 and it was working pretty well....for about a week. I believe the weekend of week 6 I did not leave my bed. I was so nauseous and I was vomitting. I felt awful but I was also happy I was having these symptoms because that meant the pregnancy was progressing right? I eventually was prescribed basically dramamine to help and as long as I took it around the clock I could get through work...barely. 

Weekends were spend in bed and any time I wasn't working was spend in bed. My diet was awful I was literally eating whatever I could get down. I ate a lot of carbs and a lot of chewy granola bars. My poor house was a disaster. I literally couldn't function much above going to work and coming home. The constant nausea helped ease my anxiety though which I was grateful for. 

The day of my appointment comes and I was the most nauseous I had been to this point. I remember getting home from work to pick up Daniel to go to our appointment and I open the car door and just throw up all over the front lawn. It is was rough. We get to the appointment and are going over a few things and then we go to the ultrasound room. I'm scared at this point as ultrasounds and I do not get along. From my thyroid diagnosis to this, ultrasounds are just not good for me and very triggering. We start with a abdominal ultrasound and she can't find a fetal pole so we move to a transvaginal ultrasound, it could still be early to see on abdominal. I felt like we did the ultrasound for hours but I knew it was not good. I can't believe this was happening again! How is this possible? 2% of people have back to back miscarriages. Why am I among the 2%.

Baby Krautter take one

 Wow! I can't believe it has been since 2017 since I last wrote in this blog! A lot has happened since 2017. I am now married and living in Alabama. Believe it or not my life is still leading me to the title of this blog, "Everything happens for a reason". I'm going to be honest, it has been really hard to believe that in the last few months. This blog will be turning to everything trying to conceive, TTC, and pregnancy. It is just another avenue to get things off my chest and to hopefully help others in the same situation as me. So lets get started...

Our avenue of TTC started in October 2020. Daniel, my husband, and I always knew we wanted to start a family shortly after getting married. We wanted to wait a year, then a year turned to 6 months, then 6 months turned to let's start trying now at about 4-5 months. So given my history of thyroid cancer I went to the doctor just to get check out and to make sure my thyroid was good for TTC. I was given a referral to maternal fetal medicine, MFM, just to get guidance on where my levels should be for pregnancy. It was over a month before I could get into MFM. We decided we were going to stop being "careful". I do not use birth control, I just naturally track my cycles with basal body temperature, BBT, and ovulation tests, OPK. It works well for us and avoids unnecessary hormones into my body. 

First pregnancy tests

As my November cycle was approaching I was eager to test to see if maybe we had gotten pregnant this cycle. I really wasn't expecting a positive as an OBGYN we knew told us it was taking her patients 6 months to a year to get pregnant. Which pushed us to start trying NOW! I remember I saw tests that could detect 6 days before your missed period so I was eager to test. I was off work that Friday because I was running a half marathon on Saturday and my friends were coming up. I went to Walmart to buy some tests after work on Thursday and I think that was 7 days before my missed period. I remember testing and seeing a negative but honestly it was probably a faint positive. I had never really taken a pregnancy test so I assumed it needed to be a darker line so I just shrugged it off. If you've been apart of the TTC journey for any amount of time you know how we study these tests, going back and forth checking to see if it "turned positive". I remember going back and looking again and looking back I know it was a positive but being my first ever pregnancy test, I thought it was a negative.

PREGNANT

1/2 marathon

Saturday comes and I run the half marathon with Daniel and my running crew. I was super nauseous after the race but I just assumed it was from being out of shape. I waited for my period to come and it was Wednesday the following week and I was either due to start that day or the next. I remember having cramps, like period cramps, that morning. I assumed my period was coming. That night I took a test and it was CLEARLY positive!! I still didn't believe it, I ran to the store and got a digital. It said PREGNANT!!!! I was sooooo excited!!! I couldn't believe we got pregnant so quick! Daniel was excited as well. I called the next day to make my first appointment. My first appointment was scheduled for December 1st and I was so excited! I could not wait to tell my family, especially my mom. I was already planning to go home the weekend after my appointment so I planned to wait until then to tell her in person. Best thing was I would be due around her birthday, how cool!

So a couple weeks go by, I really wasn't feeling any different. Maybe a little more tired but nothing awful Minimal nausea, which was AMAZING! Then the week of Thanksgiving comes around and I had systemic itching. I was so itchy all over. I thought it was weird but I wasn't too concerned. Then November 24th the day before Thanksgiving I woke up to some bleeding and I was terrified. Ive never been pregnant but I knew this wasn't good. The bleeding wasn't much and it stopped very quickly. Luckily I was able to get into the doctor that day. She assured me it could be normal but even if I was miscarrying there was nothing they could do at this point, I was too early on and 1 in 3 women have a miscarriage unfortunately. She offered me a transvaginal ultrasound but stated they may not be able to even see anything since its so early. We opted not to have the ultrasound as it could cause anxiety I didn't need. The bleeding had stopped so we assumed we were good.

5k

Thanksgiving day I woke up and no bleeding! I ran a 5k and felt great. Friday was fine as well. Saturday I was spotting a little but not a lot. Sunday I woke up to cramping and more spotting. I was terrified and I just knew deep down that this was the beginning of the end. I ended up talking with my heart sister Jeanie Gregory on the phone and was able to get myself up and go to church. I was giving it to Him. While I was in church I had horrible cramps and I just knew we had lost the baby. I get home from church and I beginning to pass clots and tissue. Daniel was a work at the time and it was rough to be going through this alone. Not only was it emotionally painful but physically it was a well. It was so hard to "know" what was happening but at the same time not know. I was hoping for the best but deep down I knew we had lost our baby.

Monday comes around and I was able to get into the doctor and get an ultrasound to confirm the nightmare was true. I had miscarried. I am 1 and 3. It was hard. I blamed myself. Maybe if I hadn't run that half marathon...maybe if I didn't work so much....maybe if I (fill in the blank). Not a lot of people share about their struggles with infertility and miscarriage so it was hard. I felt like I was alone. Not to mention we didn't have a huge support system or family around us. We were told these things happen and it doesn't mean anything is wrong. We could try again. Little did I know the adventure we were about to go on....

Things I've learned from my Social Media Cleanse

Recently, I took a three weeks hiatus from social media. I felt I needed it not only because I was constantly on my phone but also to get more connected with God.

I started off the night before the cleanse by deleting all the apps from my phone so that I would be tempted/by habit go to them. As soon as I did this I felt an instant feeling of relief. Below I will highlight what I'v learned and discovered.

1. Social Media CAN have a positive influence

    - I follow a lot of inspirational people on Instagram and Facebook and I didn't realize how big of an influence they had on my life. I follow fitness pages, spiritual pages, and just friends that are super motivating to me. I like to hear and see the positive aspects of people's lives and get inspired by how people are growing and improving. The catch 22 to this is that, people only post the positive aspects of there lives and rarely do you see the negative things that are going on. This can make you feel horrible about yourself because you only see everyone at their best and you wonder what you are doing wrong but, it is all just an illusion and we have to remember that no one is perfect. Sinse getting back on the social media scene it has reignited my motivation in many areas of my life.

2. I read 10 books!

    - Since I was not constantly on my phone, I always had a book in my hand. I was able to read 10 books in 3 weeks! I also have been studying for my board exam so I can't imagine if I didn't have to study, how many books I would have read. 

3. Social Media CAN keep me spiritually grounded

    - I know that statement sounds funny but, I follow a lot of spiritual, godly pages, and of course churches that I attend or have attended. By seeing the exciting things happening at Cascade Hills everyday from the salvations to baptisms, it ignites my spirit and keeps me spiritually grounded. It reminds me to pray, read my bible, and just spend time alone with God.

4. My anxiety decreased
    - I have a problem with anxiety and yes I know it is not godly to have anxiety. By being off social media and living in the present moment and actually connecting with people I am with, my anxiety decreased! I was not constantly comparing myself to others.

5. My phone battery last way longer!!

Final Thought:
   - Social media can be a good thing if used in moderation. Since I have been back on social media my book reading has decreased significantly but I am also closer to taking my boards. I have become inspired again for fitness and to me following a lot of spiritual pages keeps me grounded. I don't think I'll stop using social media but I would like to decrease my usage. I would recommend a social media cleanse to anyone, its just good to see how much more you can accomplish and see without constantly being connected.

-Jenn😘

"Ain't nothing sweeter than a Georgia peach."

Georgia...the land of peaches as my sister would say.

  This past week I have spend my time in Georgia/Alabama. What an incredible week I have had! I came down to Georgia for several reasons but primarily I came down to visit my best friend, Liv Lawnick. Liv and I met about 5 years ago at Newberry College in South Carolina. She was one of my athletes and I her athletic trainer. Liv and I did not become close until we both ended up moving to Columbus, GA in 2013. Now, if you would have asked me to chose one person from Newberry to bring with me to GA, it would not have been Liv. Liv and I were friends but not close and not someone I typically would call up to hang out with. We were in different stages of life. When I moved down to Columbus, GA, Liv was the only person I knew and she invited me over for dinner. Sense then our friendship has grown tremendously and we both have been through so much. She is my best friend. She is the person I can call up in the middle of the night and cry to. She is the person I can FaceTime 10x a day and not get bored. She is "my person." 

  I went on my first job interview for a physical therapist assistant position. The interview went great and I am eager to get started working wherever God leads me. I am not praying specifically for a position but just praying for God's guidance. 

   I turned 28 down here. Liv and I carried on our birthday tradition of thrift store book shopping! We both LOVE to read and kind of have an addiction to buying used books. After our binge shopping of books we went to get Mexican food at my favorite restaurant down here, El Carrizo. We topped off the night by going to Bruster's Ice Cream. Some may think, "What a boring birthday", but to me I enjoyed ever minute of it. 

   While I was down here, I also had a great opportunity to attend the Global Leadership Summit. I got to hear from some great speakers such as, Bill Hybels, Sheryl Sandberg, and Gary Haugen, to name a few. I will do another post on my experience at the summit later and go into more detail. I highly recommend the summit to anyone, even if you do not consider yourself a leader because everyone is a leader in some way.

   Another huge reason I came down to Georgia is to attend Cascade Hills Church. I talk about this church a lot because it has had a huge impact on my life and it is why I have a desire to be back down in this area. This church is AMAZING and I recommend it to anyone and everyone. This church gives you the opportunity to get plugged in as little or as much as you would like. Their is literally a bible study, small group, or church service you can attend and be a part of every day of the week. They do a really good job incorporating all ages as well. Living in so many places I have come to realize that my age group often times gets neglected and it's really frustrating, so I took advantage of the opportunities while I was here. On Saturday, I attended the Women's Fitness Group and got to meet a handful of ladies to workout with and fellowship with. Saturday night I attended the Young Professionals bible study. Following bible study I attended church service where I got to worship and here a great message from Pastor Bill Purvis. Following service Liv and I got to have a great conversation with Pastor. On top of all of that, we got to have shaved ice after church! Now, if you know me you know how much I LOVE shaved ice!!! 

   Today was the best of all the days here! I got to baptize Liv! What a great experience and opportunity! I am so happyy for her and I can't wait to see her life continue to flourish. 

   I have one more day down here and although it will be sad to leave my best friend and the church I love, I know that I will be back soon. I may even move back here if it is where God guides me. 

    After completing my 100 happy days and enjoying my trip down here, I will be taking some time away from social media and tuning in more to God. From August 16th - September 6th I will be fasting from social media. I need some time away from the distractions, the negativity, and I need to dedicate the time i spend on social media to God. I will still continue to blog as I feel more connected to God through my blogging and don't really consider a distraction but a channel for me to express my thoughts and spread God's word.

- Jenn 😘

   

Date Nights with God

Date Night with God
     It's a Saturday night, I am a 27 year old single girl, you would expect me to be out on a date or enjoying time with my spouse and kids. Instead I have been "blessed" with the stage of singleness in my life. I am in a transition stage in my life. I'm finishing up school and getting ready to apply to jobs all over the country. I have decided to not pray for a particular job but to pray for guidance and to go where God leads me. So, tonight I had a date night with God. I read through my devotionals and read through the rest of Romans. God is my date until He places another man in my life to help me grow in this walk of life together. In the last 3-4 months, I have spent a lot of time with God and have grown stronger in my prayer life and my bible reading life. I have learned more in the past 3 months then I have sense I first got saved. I have read several books as well to help develop myself and become a stronger christian. I have also partaken in two 24 hour fasts. I have learned a lot about myself as well. I still have a lot more to learn and develop into but, when I am ready I am confident that God will place the right man in my life to be my permanent "date". Until then I am contend with my date nights with God. Here are two quotes from my two of the most influential pastors in my life.

"Your best days can still be in front of you if you put God at the center again." Bill Purvis

"Out of our greatest misery often comes our greatest ministry." Brent Purvis

So if you are in a stage of singleness in your life. I challenge you to have some date nights with God. When you are feeling lonely, spend sometime with God. He misses you, He wants your attention. Embrace your singleness as lonely as it can be.


Jenn😘

Purpose Driven Life Day 40 and Summary

Day 40, June 9th, "Living with Purpose"

     - "Living on purpose is the only way to really live. Everything else is just existing." (Rick Warren). Proverbs 19:21 says, "You can make many plans, but the Lord's purpose will prevail." We have to live with a purpose. Their are three basic issues people struggle with.
  1. Identity - Who am I?
  2. Importance - Do I matter?
  3. Impact - What is my place in life?
Through reading all 40 days of the book you should have a good idea of what your identity, importance, and impact are. Develop a purpose statement for your life and then review it regularly. Your purpose statement should summarize God's purposes for your life. It should also point the direction of your life, define "success" for you, clarify your roles, and express your shape. "Goals are temporary, purposes are eternal." (Rick Warren)

LIFE'S FIVE GREATEST QUESTIONS
   1. What will be there center of your life?
        - "Worry is the warning light that God has been shoved to the sidelines." (Rick Warren).
   2. What will be the character of your life?
   3. What will be the contribution of your life?
   4. What will be the communication of your life?
   5. What will be the community of your life?

GOD WANTS TO USE YOU!
   - Allow him to.

Point to Ponder: Living with purpose is the only way to really live.
Verse to Remember: "For David...served the purpose of God in his own generation." Acts 13:36
Question to Consider: When will I take the time to write down my answers to life's five great questions? When will I put my purpose on paper?

Summary
    - This book has been a life changer. I look at life differently. God has shown me some amazing insights through this book. I fully understand my purpose now. I would recommend this book to anyone and I would recommend reading with a partner or forming a small group and go through it. This book has helped bring me back to the foundation of my life. I will be reading this book every year starting May 1st. Review your notes from your reading and discuss it with others. Most of all, pray each day after reading it.

Purpose Driven Life Day 39

Day 39, June 8th, "Balancing Your Life" 
     - "Blessed are the balanced; they shall outlast everyone." (Rick Warren). I consider myself a very balanced person. I go to church, I do school, I work, and I have fun. Life is a pentathlon of 5 purposes:
 1. Love God with all your heart
 2. Love your neighbor as yourself
 3. Go and make disciples
 4. Baptize them
 5. Teach them to do all things
2 Peter 3:17 says, "You already know these things, dear friends. So be on guard; then you will not be carried away by the errors of these wicked people and lose your own secure footing." We have to keep our lives balanced in all areas.

HABITS TO DEVELOP TO STAY ON TRACK
    1. Talk it through with a spiritual partner or small group
        - You should discuss the principles of this book with a small group. "We learn best in community, our minds are sharpened and our convictions are deepened through conversation." (Rick Warren). Review the principles of this book as often as possible. Pray, encourage, and support one another in every area of life. "We are meant to grow together, not separately." (Rick Warren).
   2. Give yourself a regular spiritual check-up
       - We need to evaluate ourselves regularly. 2 Corinthians 13:5 says, "Examine yourselves to see if your faith is genuine. Test yourselves. Surely you know that Jesus Christ is among you; if not, you have failed the test of genuine faith." The five vital signs of spiritual health are; worship, fellowship, growth in character, ministry, and mission. Do a regular check-up and make sure you are "well" in each area.
  3. Write down your progress in a journal

       - Keep a spiritual journal and record all of the life lessons God has shown you. I've kept a spiritual journal for the last 5+ years. I need to review it more and learn from the lessons God has already taught me. Regularly reviewing your spiritual journal can save you a lot of heartache and pain. Hebrew 2:1 says, "We must pay the most careful attention, therefore, to what we have heard, so that we do not drift away." Writing things down and recording what we have learned can help us to not forget. Life is a journey. Record your doubts, fears, and struggles. Our greatest lessons come out of our pain. God uses pain to fulfill our purposes in life. "Every problem is purpose driven." (Rick Warren). Whenever you are going through pain realize that it is for a purpose and look to God to get you through it.
   4. Pass on what you know to others
       - It is important to pass on what we have learned through our hurts. Proverbs 11:25 says, "The generous will prosper; those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed." Share the purpose in your pain with others so that they can learn from it. "Those who pass along insights get more from God." (Rick Warren). Sharing your pain with others can help prevent others from going through that pain. "The more you know the more God expects you to use that knowledge to help others." (Rick Warren). The more you grow in your faith the more God expects you to share.

IT'S ALL FOR GOD'S GLORY

Point to Ponder: Blessed are the balanced
Verse to Remember: "Live life with a due sense of responsibility, not as those who do not know the meaning of life but as those who do." Ephesians 5:15
Question to Consider: Which of the four activities will I begin in order to stay on track and balance God's five purposes for my life?

Purpose Driven Life Day 38

Day 38, June 7th, "Becoming a World-Class Christian"

- Mark 16:15 says, "And then he told them. "Go into all the world and preach the Good News to everyone." Are you a world-class christian or a worldly christian? Worldly christians primarily look to God for personal fulfillment. They are self-centered and want to use God for THEIR purposes instead of being used for HIS purposes. World-class christians know they were saved to serve and are eager to receive an assignment from God. I don't know about you but often times I get in the mindset of the worldly christian and have to be brought back to being a world-class christian. Often times I want to fight the assignment God has given me because I don't feel fit for it. If we want to become world-class christians we have to change our perspectives and attitudes. The only barrier we have from become a world-class christian is the way we think.

HOW TO THINK LIKE A WORLD-CLASS CHRISTIAN
   - *Shift from self-centered thinking to other centered thinking*
       - 1 Corinthians 14:20 says, "Dear brothers and sisters, don't be childish in your understanding of these things. Be innocent as babies when it comes to evil, but be mature in understanding matters of this kind." When you are having trouble with something ask the Holy Spirit to help you. When you are talking to unbelievers ask the Holy Spirit to help you understand their spiritual need. "Your goal is to figure out where others are in their spiritual journey and then do whatever will bring them a step closer to knowing Christ." (Rick Warren). As believers is is our job to help bring unbelievers to Christ. When you are having trouble talking to someone ask the Holy Spirit to help you.
    - *Shift from local thinking to global thinking*
        - Acts 17:26-27 says, "From one man he created all the nations throughout the whole earth. He decided beforehand when they should rise and fall, and he determined their boundaries. 'His purpose was for the nations to seek after God and perhaps feel their way toward him and find him - though he is not far from any one of us.'" We should begin to pray for specific countries by name. "Like an intercontinental missile you can aim a prayer at a person's heart whether you are 10 feet or 10,000 miles away." (Rick Warren). You don't have to be in the country you are praying for. You can pray anywhere at anytime. We need to pray for opportunities to witness, courage to speak up, unbelievers, and the rapid spread of the message. We also should pray for the missionaries of the world. "People are most receptive to God when they are under tension or transition." (Rick Warren). I find this to be very true. Whenever I am stressed or going through a transition I feel closer to God. We need to reach out to the people in tension or transition and share with them the Good News.
    - *Shift from "here and now" thinking to eternal thinking*
        - We must maintain an eternal perspective and distinguish what is urgent and what is ultimate. 2 Corinthians 4:18 says, "So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever." We should never trade our life for temporary things. We need to invest on getting people to heaven. Spread the Good News.
    - *Shift from thinking of excuses to thinking of creative ways to fulfill your commission*
       - If you are willing their is a way. Pray and ask God where He wants you. After reading this chapter I wake up every morning and ask God to show me who He wants me to witness to today. Jeremiah 1:7-8 says, "The Lord replied, 'Don't say, 'I'm too young,' for you must go wherever I send you and say whatever I tell you. And don't be afraid of the people, for I will be with you and will protect you. I, the Lord, have spoken!'" We have to go where God tells us to go and we have to do and say what God tell us to do and say. I am in Ohio temporarily for a reason. It is my job to do my purpose here and spread God's word. Do I really want to be in Ohio? No, but God has brought me back here and I will make the most of it until He calls me somewhere else.

Point to Ponder: The Great Commission is my commission.
Verse to Remember: "Send us around the world with the news of your saving power and your eternal plan for all mankind." Psalm 67:2
Question to Consider: What steps can I take to prepare to go on a short-term missions experience in the next year?

Purpose Driven Life Day 37

Day 37, June 6th, "Sharing Your Life Mission"
     1 Thessalonians 1:8 says, "And now the word of the Lord is ringing out from you to people everywhere, even beyond Macedonia and Achaea, for wherever we go we find people telling us about your faith in God. We don't need to tell them about it." God has given us a life message to share. There are four parts to your life message:

1. YOUR LIFE LESSON INCLUDES YOUR TESTIMONY 
    - Your testimony is the story of how Christ made a difference in your life. How you came to Christ. It is important to share your personal experiences with the Lord with others. Sharing your testimony is more effective than a pastor preaching because people see pastors as "professional salesman" and we are the satisfied customers. Its also easier for people to relate to. "Shared stories build a relational bridge that Jesus can walk across from your heart to theirs." (Rick Warren). There are four aspects to your testimony that you should talk about when sharing, what your life was like before, how you realized you needed Jesus, how you committed your life to Jesus, and the difference Jesus has made in your life. Their is a story for every experience God has helped you with. Use your different experiences to related to other people. One experience you have with God may reach one person and another experience may reach someone else. I've been through a lot of life experiences and lived in a lot of places, each experience I have grown and learned so much. I use these experiences to help others and reach unbelievers.

2. YOUR LIFE MESSAGE INCLUDES YOUR LIFE LESSONS
     - From our experiences with God we learn life lessons. Psalm 106:43 says, "Again and again he rescued them, but they chose to rebel against him, and they were finally destroyed by their sin." God rescues us from things to teach us life lessons. "While it is wise to learn from experience, it is wiser to learn from the experiences of others." (Rick Warren). We can learn from our experiences but it is even more beneficial if we learn from others experiences. If we share our experiences and others share theirs and we learn from each other we can prevent a whole lot of hurt and pain. We have to be open to learning form others and teaching others. Proverbs 25:12 says, "To one who listens, valid
criticism is like a gold earring or other gold jewelry." Learn from other peoples experiences. Proverbs and ecclesiastes are filled with practical life lessons on learning. I recommend reading proverbs first if you have never read the bible. It is the original self help book. "Mature people develop the habit of extracting lessons from everyday experiences." (Rick Warren). Ask yourself these questions:
   - What has God taught me from failure?
   - What has God taught me from a lack of money?
   - What has God taught me from pain and sorrow or depression?
   - What has God taught me from waiting?
   - What has God taught me through illness?
   - What has God taught me from disappointments?
   - What have I learned from my family, my church, my relationships, my small group, and my critics?
Each one of us has probably been through each one of these experiences and God has taught us lessons through them. Tell unbelievers how God has worked in your life and what you have learned.

YOUR LIFE MESSAGE INCLUDES SHARING YOUR GODLY PASSIONS 
    - As you grow closer to God he will give you a passion for something He cares deeply about so you can be a spokesman to the world. Everyone has different passions. I am passionate for helping other people, whether it be my family, my patients, or strangers, I enjoy serving others. Serving is my spiritual gift and I'm passionate about it. What are you passionate about?

YOUR LIFE MESSAGE INCLUDES THE GOOD NEWS
     - Romans 1:17 says, "This Good News tells us how God makes us right in his sight. This is accomplished from start to finish by faith. As the Scriptures say, 'It is through faith that a righteous
person has life.'" As christians we need to love lost people the way God does. 1 John 4:18 says, "Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love." We need to pray for people who don't know Christ, serve them in love, and share the Good News. The mission field is all around us. Ask God who you should share the Good News with and He will show you.

Point to Ponder: God wants to say something to the world through me.
Verse to Remember: "Be ready at all times to answer anyone who asks you to explain the hope you have in you, but do it with gentleness and respect." 1 Peter 3:15b-16
Question to Consider: As I reflect on my personal story, who does God want me to share it with?

Purpose Driven Life Day 36

Day 36, June 5th, "Made for a Mission"

    - Each of us was made for a mission. We each have a ministry in the church and a mission in the world. Our mission is for believers and nonbelievers. "Your life mission is both shared and specific." (Rick Warren). One part of our mission is a responsibility we share with other christians, and the other part is an assignment that is unique to you.

THE IMPORTANCE OF OUR MISSION
    - Fulfilling your life mission on earth is an essential part of living for God's glory. Your mission is a continuation of Jesus' mission on earth. We as christians are to continue doing what Jesus started. Matthew 28:19-20 says, "Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age." One of our missions is to share Jesus with unbelievers. If we reach just one person, we will be rewarded in heaven. Your mission is a wonderful privilege. As christians we are working with God and representing Him. Our mission is to help build his kingdom. Telling others how they can have eternal life is the greatest thing you can do for them. It is important for us to remember how hopeless we felt without Christ. A lot of people are hopelessly lost without God even if they appear to be content and successful. It is important for us to spread the Good News with others so that we can build God's kingdom. Your mission has eternal significance. The impacting of helping people find God impacts the external destiny of the people we reach. Nothing else matters as much as helping people find God. John 9:4 says, "As long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent
me. Night is coming, when no one can work." There is going to come a day when God returns to earth or we pass away and we will not be able to help anyone else get to heaven. We need to try and reach as many people as we can now so that we can build God's kingdom. We only have a lifetime to reach people. This doesn't mean we need to drop everything we are doing now and become evangelist. God needs people spreading the word everywhere. Spread the good news wherever you are. Look for people God places in your life to share the gospel. Your mission gives life meaning. "The best use of life is to spend it for something that outlasts it." (William James). Acts 20:24 says, "But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus - the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God." If you reach one person in your life it will make a difference in eternity. Pray to God and ask him who He has placed in your life to talk to about Jesus. God's timetable for history;s conclusion is connected to the completion of our commission. The question of when God is going to return is futile. We need to focus on our mission on earth. Matthew 24:36 says, "'However, no one knows the day or hour when these things will happen, not even the angels in heaven or the Son himself. Only the Father knows.'" It is easy for us to get distracted and not share our faith. Satan will let you do all kinds of good things as long as you don't take anyone to heaven with you. When we become serious about our mission the Devil will throw diversion at us. He will do anything he can to distract us from bringing people to heaven.

WHAT IT COSTS TO FULFILL YOUR MISSION

     - We have to abandon our own personal agendas and accept God's agenda for our life. Ask God to help us do what He is blessing, don't ask him to bless what you want. "Hand God a blank sheet with your name signed at the bottom and tell him to fill in the details." (Rick Warren). We must surrender our life to God and let him take control. Romans 6:13b says, "So use your whole body as an instrument to do what is right for the glory of God." Everything that you do, do it for the glory of God. Commit to fulfilling your mission no matter the cost and you will experience the blessing of God.

ONE MORE FOR JESUS
     - There is always someone else you can bring to Jesus. Live to bring people to Jesus.

Point to Ponder: I was made for a mission.
Verse to Remember: "Go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. Ans surely I am with you always to the very end of the age." Matthew 28:19-20
Question to Consider: What fears have kept me from fulfilling the mission God made me to accomplish? What keeps me from telling others the Good News?

Purpose Driven Life Day 35

Day 35, June 4th, "God's Power In Your Weakness"

  2 Corinthians 12:9a says, "Each time he said, 'My grace is all you need. My power works best in weaknesses.' So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me." God loves to use weak people. We all have weaknesses. We all have imperfections, physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual weaknesses. The important issue is what we choose to do with them. If we deny, defend, excuse, or resent our weaknesses it prevents God from using them the way he desires. Isaiah 55:9 says, "For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts." God looks at our weaknesses completely differently then we do. He works in ways the exact opposite of what we expect. How many times in your life have you prayed for something and God gave you the exact opposite? I know for me it has happened a lot and eventually I understand why. God uses our strengths AND weaknesses for His glory. "Your weaknesses are not an accident, God deliberately allowed them in your life for the purpose of demonstrating his power through you." God is drawn to people who are weak and admits it. Matthew 5:3 says, "'God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.'" God uses us imperfect ordinary people to do extraordinary things. "God is never limited by our limitations." (Rick Warren). God will always use us if we let him work through our weaknesses.

ADMIT YOUR WEAKNESSES

    - It is important to admit our weaknesses and not pretend to have it all together. Show your weaknesses. Make a list of your weaknesses. In order for God to work through our weaknesses we have to first know who God is and second know who we are. Sometimes it takes a crisis for us to realize who we are and God won't hesitate to allow a crisis for us to discover it. I've seen this first hand with myself and with others. I grow closer to God in my times of trouble. God uses my weaknesses to help me grow.

BE CONTENT WITH YOUR WEAKNESSES
     - 2 Corinthians 12:10 says, "That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong." God uses our weaknesses to make us stronger. "Contentment is an expression of faith in the goodness of God." (Rick Warren). Our weaknesses cause us to be depend on God. "Whenever you feel weak, God is reminding you to depend on him." At times you may be so satisfied with your life and you start drifting from God. God may place a weakness in your life to draw you closer to him. Weaknesses help prevent arrogance and keep us humble. God often times attaches a major weakness with a major strength to keep us in check. Weaknesses also encourage fellowship with other believers. "Strength breeds an independent spirit, our limitation show how much we need each other."  (Rick Warren). When we have weaknesses we depend on other people. Our weaknesses increase our capacity for sympathy and ministry. "Your greatest life messages and your most effective ministry will come out of your deepest hurts." (Rick Warren). Some of our most embarrassing and hurtful things are the most powerful tools God uses to heal others. God turns our weaknesses into strengths. Once we conquer our weaknesses they can become our strengths and we can use them to help other people going through the same situation we went through.

HONESTLY SHARE YOUR WEAKNESSES

     - The more we let our guard down the more God will be able to use us to serve others. It is important that we share our failures, frustrations, and fears. "Opening up relieves stress, defuses your fears, and its the first step to freedom." (Rick Warren). We need to be honest with ourself, others, and God. When we are honest with God he gives us more grace. "Our strengths create competition but our weaknesses create community." (Rick Warren). Sharing your weaknesses with others will help you have more of a community and fellowship with them. You have to decide if you want to impress people or influence people. You have to get close to people in order to influence them. If you don't share any of your weaknesses with people they are going to become discouraged and feel they are not good enough. If you share you are opening up and showing that you are not perfect and they can help you turn your weaknesses into strengths and support you.

GLORY IN YOUR WEAKNESSES

   - Romans 8:26a says, "And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don't know what God wants us to pray. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groaning that cannot be expressed in words." When you don't know what to pray the Holy Spirit helps you. "When Satan points out our weaknesses, argue with him and fill your heart with praise for Jesus, who understands every weakness of ours, and for the Holy Spirit, who help us in our weakness." God also turns our strengths into weaknesses to use us more. God takes things away from us at times to show use us more for his good. What areas of your life are your weaknesses.

Point to Ponder: God works best when I admit my weakness.
Verse to Remember: "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9a
Question to Consider: Am I limiting God's power in my life by trying to hide my weaknesses? What do I need to be honest about in order to help others?